Weekly Expression #7 ~BK

Michael sat up straight. The dark room confused him momentarily. He looked over to the other side of the bed and gently felt for her. His hand fell on her back and he let it linger there for a moment. Now he could hear her breathing in her deep sleep.

This was reality.

That had been a dream.

He swung his legs off the bed and fumbled quietly into the kitchen. He leaned over the sink as he stared out into the busy city night. So many lights and sounds. Definitely not like home in rural PA. The job was different too. NYC was a foreign land to him. Erin, on the other hand had grown up in the city. He closed his eyes and blocked it all out for a moment. He concentrated on the dream. Surprisingly, he could still recall it, every little detail.

The soldier, kneeling on the ground. Darkness had swallowed him. Light was slowly rising. Ashes floated through the air from the multiple fires that surrounded the soldier.

He neither spoke nor move.

It was a strange curiosity that he felt as he opened his laptop and sat on the couch. he opened the paint pro app and began. It had been years since he last played with this secret obsession. His years on the force, especially the last two years here in the city had hardened him. He was not the same young cadet who met a beautiful woman and ran off to the big city with his new wife. He shuddered as the previous day’s events.

He fumbled through the app, reverting to the users guide many times. He had to get this image out of his mind.

Erin shook him awake. He wiped saliva off his cheek as he sat up. His laptop was on the floor.

“Michael!”

“What?” He asked, groggy from confusion.

“I’ve been yelling for you. Come on, we need to leave now or I will be late!” She bobbed up and down to show her eagerness.

“Go where?”

She looked annoyed. “The airport?” She said it with a tone indicating he should have known that already. “You said you wanted to take me. And we will be late if you get dressed. Here.” She tossed his hoodie at him and he grabbed his wallet and keys and ran after her to the car.

An hour later, he fell on the couch, exhausted from the traffic, let alone the little sleep he managed to get. After a few minutes, he got back up and grabbed a can of soda. He fell back into the couch and plugged his laptop into the outlet. Immediately the image from his dream popped onto the screen and filled his mind. Although it wasn’t finished in the computer, every detail still danced about his head. He was glad this app automatically saved all changes. He was no where near finished. He had most of the tree done and some of the sky.

His migraine came then, with no warning. he shut down the laptop and found his pills. He wanted to keep working but these meds would knock him out. No use fighting it. He closed the shades in the bedroom and settled into bed.

~~~~~

This time when he woke up he couldn’t breathe. In a panic, he fell off the bed. He landed on his hands and knees and slowly breathed in. Finally air reached his lungs and the pressure released. He closed his eyes and focused his attention to breathing.

It was the image again.

Why this image was haunting him two nights in a row, he could not remember. But something, something was pulling him deeper and deeper into this nightmare. It was something he had seen but forgotten. It wasn’t actually in the image he was recreating itself. He pulled himself up to his feet and trudged into the living room. He dropped onto the couch and pulled out his laptop and began working on the daunting image seared into his mind.

Something touched his shoulder. His instincts were warped. His laptop fell to the floor as he jumped out of his skin.

“Easy!” His sergeant's voice calmed him down .”You ok?” He looked and sounded genuinely worried.

“How did you get in here?” Michael asked, regaining his composure.

“I picked the lock. I didn’t feel like breaking down a door on my day off. Though I wanted to.” He pointed at Michael as if in blame.

“What are you doing here?”

“Well, it is five at night and Erin called me nearly frantic. Said she had been calling and texting you all day.”  Michael winced. He was going to regret missing those. He picked up his phone. Thirty missed texts and twenty seven missed calls. She was going to kill him. “And after that text you sent me this morning, well, I thought I would stop by. Make sure you were alright.”

Harris sat down beside him. “You okay?” He asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just been lost in a project. What text?”

“You asked me to bring the case file. I was looking through it and was done so I  brought it along. It’s on the table.” He used his thumb and pointed behind them to the box on the table. How Michael had managed to not hear calls, texts, knocking, door opening or the box thudding on the table, he didn’t know. And that scared him.

Harris patted him on the back as he stood. “You sure you are ok?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for stopping by.”

Harris pursed his lips as he nodded and left the apartment. Michael sighed and rubbed his neck as he got up and walked over to the case box. His legs were numb from sitting so long.

Why had he requested this? And when? He didn’t remember doing it since waking up. He had only opened his laptop. To be truthful, he didn’t even know what time he got up. Time seemed to not exist the last few days. He wished his leave off of work would last more than another two days. He wouldn’t be ready by then.  He wouldn’t be ready to face the city he saw on a daily basis on the front line. He traced his hand over the edge of the box and walked away from it.

Not now.

He picked up his phone and pressed redial. Erin’s number and photo popped onto the screen. He ran his hands over his face as he waited for her to answer. It only rang once before he heard her nervous voice. “Michael??”

“Hey, babe.”

“Where have you been? I have been trying to call and text you all day.”

“I see that now. Sorry. Been working on something. Didn’t hear the phone.”

She sighed. “But you are alright?”

“Yeah, I haven’t left the house.”

“Ok. You scared me.” Her tone lowered and was less defensive.

“Sorry.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“Yep.” He hung up and regretted his last words. He most likely had kept her on edge and freaked out all day. Obviously since she called his Sergeant who must have been equally as worried about him since he came on a day off. He wondered if Harris had told Erin about the events of the other day. He prayed he did not.

The rest of the day passed. Michael kept better track of the time and his phone. Erin texted him occasionally and he kept his answers brief. He was, after all, still glued to that image.

But after an hour of not a single change he wanted to throw the laptop across the room. He got up and paced the room. He couldn’t finish the soldier. He didn’t know why. But for some reason, he was missing a key piece of the puzzle. He couldn’t finish it without it. He sighed and walked into the kitchen. He hadn’t eaten all day and even at eleven that night, food did not seem appetizing. He grabbed another water bottle and downed the entire thing. He tossed the empty plastic bottle into the garbage. Erin was gone so he could be a messy man and not recycle for once. He walked over to the table. It was time to face the box.

His eyes felt glazed over as he pried them open. The sun shone through the windows, blinding him as he sat up. Pictures and documents were spread out all over the table.

Gruesome and heart wrecking.

A knock at the door made him jerk around. He could hear her voice through the door. “Michael, open the door! I don’t want to dig through my purse for my keys!”

His heart dropped as he looked back at the table. She couldn’t see this! In a panic, he quickly pulled all the papers into a pile and without any sort of organization ,threw them into the box. He slid the box under the computer desk and ran to the living room. He grabbed his laptop and quickly set it on the desk. He frantically searched the apartment for garbage. Seeing it clean, he rushed over to the computer desk and fell into the chair as she opened the door. He slowly slid back into it’s correct position as she walked in, severely annoyed. He tried to act like had been there the whole time. He steadied his breathing and racing heart.

She threw her arms in the air as she dropped her bags. “What gives?”

“Sorry, babe.”

Her arms fell to her side and she surveyed the rooms. She looked at the kitchen, opening things. She came back to his side. She pulled out his chair from under the desk. He opened his mouth to protest, wondering what she had in mind. She placed a finger over his mouth to silence him as she sat on his lap. He removed her jacket and scarf.

“Michael.” She said as she placed both her hands on his neck, just under his ears, cupping his head in her hands.  She looked longingly into his eyes. She rubbed his cheek with her thumb. He wrapped one arm around her waist and held her wrist with his free hand. They stared into each other's eyes for a moment. How he had missed her.

“I am going to go lay down. Join me?” Her jet lag matched his lack of sleep but he couldn’t pry himself away from this image or this case.

“Not now.”

She looked sad but understandingly nodded. Her eyebrows furrowed with a worry he had never seen before. She kissed him before leaving him alone, yet again at the computer.

Four hours had passed. He had tried to coax the image back into his mind but it had finally faded. He even tried to catch some shut eye in hopes of seeing it again. But the only images that flooded his mind were of blood.

He ran his hands through his hair, feeling hopeless. He walked into the bedroom and watched her for a moment. She was so peaceful, all snuggled into the bed. So beautiful. He shook his head as he thought. He didn’t deserve her. She was too perfect for him. Every night he wondered why a geeky robot like himself would end up with the sweetest, most loving woman ever. He walked past their bed and decided to clean himself up.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been in the shower. But the hot water and steam beckoned him to linger. He needed the relaxation.

Erin was up when he came out. She was pulling her hair into a bun. She smiled. “Going to go on a walk. Come with me.” He wanted to protest but at this point, he desperately needed to be with her. He couldn’t spend another minute alone. Not now, anyway.

He put his comfy pants on and his grey hoodie.

She wrapped her arms around his arm as they walked out onto the sidewalk. She buried her head into his arm. He loved the feeling of her next to him.

The fall air felt amazing, yet chilly enough for the hoodie. They walked side by side in no particular direction. Just walking.

They loved to meander through the city. Taking turns they had never turned before. They didn’t worry about being lost. Just hail a cab and give your address. Simple enough to get home.

They city always held something new to see.

Suddenly Erin was pulling him across the street to a vendor's stand. The old woman looked like a gypsy from Europe. Her items were exotic to their city eyes and even Michael couldn’t pry his eyes away. Erin had been captured by the bracelets.

But his eyes fell on something closer to his heart.

It was pendant. A celtic diagram interlaced with flames.

He had seen this before, but where? Erin had to shake him out of his mesmerized state. He pulled out his wallet but found it to be empty. “Babe, you got any money?”

“No, sorry. I just spent the last of my cash.”

He threw his head back in silence. He looked around and found the street name.

He nodded at the gypsy woman. “I’ll be back for this.” He pointed to the pendant. “I promise, I am coming back. Please don’t sell it.”

The woman nodded and Michael sadly turned away.

Instantly it hit him. The soldier in the image. He had worn a pendant just like this. He was completely frustrated now. Why was this image haunting him? Where had it come from?

Erin had already begun to cross the street without him. He sighed, hopelessness attacking him from every angle.

And in a second, everything changed. He was back in control of his mind.

He saw Erin stop to pick up something she dropped.

He saw the car keep driving. It didn’t slow down.

He lunged straight into the street. He grabbed Erin as she stood up, whirled around and pushed her back where they came from.

He felt the searing pain cover his body as his muscles tightened and blackness overtook him.

His eyes felt like lead as he tried to open them. He could hear the faint sounds of a hospital. Pages over the loudspeaker. The beeping of a heart monitor. He felt the IV needle in his hand as well as the cast over his left arm.

His breathing was even, controlled.

Erins hands wrapped around his and she squeezed lovingly. Her voice was faint, as if it were far away. “Michael? Wake up. Come back to me.”

He finally opened his eyes and squinted at the  bright light of the hospital room. Erin looked haggard and scared. She smiled through it and suppressed the rest of the tears to not follow the one that now fell down her cheek.

“Hey.” His voice was parched and it hurt to speak. He closed his eyes again to find the strength to say anything but found it difficult.

“Hey.” She laughed through an almost silent sob. She reached her hand to his face and caressed his right cheek. Everything on his left side hurt.

A knock at the door drew their attention.

Sergeant Harris and Michael’s partner Chris, both in uniform walked in. “Good to see you awake.” Harris said.

Chris laid a hand on Erin’s shoulder and pretended to knock out the air. “I’d punch you right now but I’d say this is a reasonable excuse to be in the hospital.” He smiled and looked down at Erin. “Forget him, are you ok?” They laughed.

She nodded. “Thanks to him, yes, I am fine.”

“How you feeling?” Harris asked.

Michael grunted as he shook his head and smiled. He didn’t have the word or the strength to express the pain he was really beginning to feel the more we woke up.

“Well, we gotta get back on the beat. Doc says you’ll be out awhile so I’m helping Chris out until we can get a substitute for you.” Harris shook his head. “I always gotta lose my best officers to noble things like this.” They laughed.

Chris waved him off and patted Erin’s back before heading towards the door. Harris kissed her forehead and then they were gone.

Erin rubbed where he had kissed her. She laughed. “I am surprised you don’t say something to him about that.”

He shrugged his shoulders. The first time Harris had done it, Michael fumed about it for a month. Then he watched Harris greet all family of those at the precinct and from then on thought nothing of it. He would explain it to Erin soon enough.

A few days passed by and Michael was finally able to go home. Erin left him alone. She had to run to the pharmacy and pick up his prescription. He sat down at the computer desk after limping around the house. Everything was how he left it. The case file box was still under the desk. The image popped up on his screen and he began working on the last part of it.

The image had resurfaced in his dreams the night before.

Erin came back thirty minutes later. He was sitting there, staring out the window.

“You ok?” She asked as she set the bag down next to him.

“It’s done.”

“What is?”

“That picture I was working on the last few days before the accident.”

“Oh.”

“I know why I was so obsessed over it.”

“Why?” She pulled out a chair and sat near him.

Michael sighed. She needed to know.

“I had a rough day before my days off started. Two weeks ago, a kid, only seventeen, came to us for help. He was apart of the one of rough gangs in the area. After a lot of consulting and his insisting, we agreed to use him only for a day to get info on the gang. Enough info to get a warrant and storm the place. We’d storm it and “arrest” him. We would also have enough evidence to put the higher ups in jail for awhile. It was all going smoothly. Chris went to get the warrant and I stayed outside to monitor what was going on with our kid. Chris was five minutes out when it all went downhill from there. A fight had broken out in the apartment. It took us thirty minutes to get past the halo of gunfire and secure the area. But when we got in there, the kid was dead. He was shot execution style.The higher up was cleaning house. Getting rid of all the bad apples. We were minutes away from getting him out safely and into a better life and we missed it.”

Michael sighed as he recalled the guilt he felt. They were greedy and selfish, only thinking about getting more out of the deal than a free kid. And now that kid was dead.

“Maybe this can cheer you up.” She handed him the pendant he had been looking at the day of the accident. He smiled as he took it.

A picture from the case file flashed before his mind. He pulled out the box and as best he could with one hand, rummaged through the papers. He pulled out what he was looking for and showed it to Erin. She looked confused.

“I saw this in my dream, it’s on the soldier in my picture though you can’t tell that. That is why I was having that dream. It’s all tied together!” He felt his head might burst from the answers.

The kid had been wearing the same pendant that he now held in his hand.

“She gave it to me for free after she remembered who I was. She saw what you did the other day. She said that this symbol means strength to do the right thing.”

The guilt finally released from his heart. The kid knew what he was getting into. He wanted to bring the gang down. It was his idea. He knew we could have just helped him get out and that was it. But he had the strength to do more, to do the right thing. Just like Michael had the strength, although feeling completely hopeless at the time, to save his wife.

Erin was so much smaller than he was. He hated to imagine the damage that car would have had on her.

“So can I see it?” She asked as she tried to peer around the screen.

“Haha, yes.” She got up and walked behind him as she laid her hands on his shoulders and gently rubbed.

“Wow.”

“That bad?” He teased.

“I’m impressed, babe.”

He sighed as he closed the screen, finally at peace.