Sunday, December 13, 2020

Weekly Expressions 3.2 [] Joe: He Sees You

 

The winds were harsh last night when we were flying. Snow flew all around us in the air until we couldn’t see squat. It was like a living snow globe of hell. Something crashed into our rotor, sending us to the ground fast. Our leader, MacMaheney, cursed us out, telling us to hang on for dear life. As we went down, I could see our morale fleeting away. Then nothing. It wasn’t like that originally. I remember it was only five of us lads traveling that night. There was me, Will, my mates Thom and Dan, our pilot Sam, and the leader of our regiment, MacMaheney. We were only able to travel in such small numbers, ‘cause MacMaheney had minimal connections to the Brits, and they weren’t allowing large bunches of ejits other than us to go.

Ya see, MacMaheney had gotten into his head that word of mercenaries coming to storm his side of Scotland, and it’d happening on the morrow. Only meeting with him a few days before, I already knew he wasn’t about to have any of that bollocks. Gruddus MacMaheney was a few things, but a sitter during wartime wasn’t one of ‘em. So, this man hand-picked four of us crabbit ejits to go with him, asking the Brits to give him funds to make it work. Reluctantly, they said yes, but they gave him an old ‘copter to work with. While it didn’t seem fit for travel, our numpty leader didn’t bat an eye. He kept on yapping, and thus, we left to find these “mercenaries”. Everything seemed fine up until the point of hitting the ground. Hard.

I opened one eye to see what was going on around me. MacMaheney was nowhere to be seen, but I could clearly observe the remains of everyone else. Sam’s jaw was dislodged clean off his minging face, peppermints on his forehead. The only recognizable features being the earmuffs he wore the night before. I turned to my right to see that Thom had a massive piece of candy coming out of his side. It was like his body became part of the wreckage, a furniture item in an unintentional feng shui. I slowly picked myself up, trudging towards what I thought looked to be Dan. Blood dripping from his hairline down, I used what strength I had to shake him awake. He couldn’t be too far gone.

“Git up, lad! For God’s sake! Don’t die on me now, ya dobber!”, I yelled as I shook ‘im. He started to open his eyes a wee bit. “There ya are! Don’t ya feel good to be alive?” Staring blankly back at me for a solid minute, he soon said, “I don’t what yer on about. Where are we?” A chill reached us then, causing us both to shiver. I gave him a knowing look that we needed to go. “I haven’t a clue”, I said. “But I think we shouldn’t be here. C’mon, up with ye.” Extending a hand to him, I helped him to his feet. He winced in pain for a moment, so I took an arm around him to help. We hobbled out of the mess, finally walking into the wooded area we found ourselves subject to.                                                                                         

As we were about to turn the corner, we saw it. MacMaheney, lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood. What came as even more of a surprise, was a candy cane was lodged into his right eye. His pistol was in his left hand, a piece of red cloth in his right. We knew something wasn’t right, though we didn’t take time to check further. Instead, unsheathing our weapons, we looked around us. I heard a distinct sound emitting from the trees then. It was some sort of…happy, familiar sound. A flash of red, and then I felt Dan’s stomach gurgle a bit. Turning to my mate, I understood what had happened. Dan was split in half. His body slumped to the ground, and I stood over my dead friend. Panic came over me.

And just like that, a gust of wind went by me, a plate of pudding smacking right into face. I quickly wiped it off, realizing I was also taking pieces of my face off as well. I cried out like I’d never cried before, the worst pain I’d ever felt as steam rose from the melted flesh of my face. I felt the urge of tears, but I couldn’t manage ‘em. Then a thing came out of the trees. A fat bugger with a great beard, big, bulky arms and legs, and a tremendous belly on the front side of ‘im. Still in agony, I reached out with my hands. The ejit took my left hand, crushing it in its grasp. The feeling of helplessness taking over my entirety of thought, I screamed. Releasing my hand, the thing grabbed my head with its bear paws for hands. It looked down at me and said, “Father Christmas does not appreciate strangers trespassing. Save that for Thanksgiving next time ye plan any adventures again.” And before I could say anything more, I fell asleep.

Weekly Expressions 3.2 ~ CJK



The winter wind washed over Matt's face as the world below him grew small. And yet, the heat of his emotions numbed him to the weather. Why don't you quit messing around and make something of yourself? His Dad's words had stung worse than the elements surrounding him. Speeding through the snowy sky, Matt forced the helicopter into a flurry, shrouded in white. For a moment, he could see nothing and he almost forgot. 


Three years prior, he had said his last goodbye. His brother had pressed his lips together, attempting a weak smile, as Matt's blue eyes welled with tears. "Peter, no! It's ok. You're gonna be ok!!" Matt rushed to land the helicopter, guiding him out of the vehicle to a wooden fence, to better support him. The smell of blood reached Matt's nostrils. Peter grabbed ahold of the fence and Matt looked back at the helicopter, perched over a riverbed. This couldn't be happening


Matt swiped his hand over his face in an effort to combat the tears, but they kept coming. With blurry vision, he opened his brother's jacket, revealing a bullet wound in Peter's chest. He turned his face as more tears fell. 


"Matt, it's ok. It's ok, man," Peter said.


"No, it's not," Matt said. "They never should've drafted you. How dare they claim another life! ...I can't believe this."


He began to sob. 


"Matt, remember when Dad took us up on our first helicopter ride? You were so scared, but by the end you were begging him to go back up," Peter said, smiling weakly. 


Matt wiped his tears from his face. "But you weren't afraid," Matt said. "You were smiling the whole time, even when Dad almost lost control of the copter."


Peter laughed. "We really did almost crash too."


The winter wind filled Matt's ears as the brothers fell silent. 


"I wish this was just a close-call, like it was that day," Matt said. 


Me too. Peter paused and then said, "I love you, Matt." 


Matt began to sob again. "Please, Peter...don't go!!" He said. 


Peter struggled to breathe. Matt wrapped his arms around him. Then Peter said, almost in a whisper, "Keep living, brother." 


And then, he was gone. 



Matt started as the wind jostled the helicopter. But he quickly regained control of the vehicle, as he flew towards a sea of pine trees. How dare Dad say that to me...after everything I've been through. He didn't have to watch his brother die, Matt thought. 


After Peter died, Matt had resigned from the military. Night after night, he woke up in cold, teary sweats. At his factory job, a coworker insulted him for being discharged from the military. In mere moments, he had the man pressed up against the wall, his fist ready to strike. But when his boss entered the scene, his revenge and his career arrived at an abrupt end. 


Matt's face turned red with emotion as the helicopter sped on. From the air, he could see a silver creek snaking through the trees. When the woods began to thin out and a clearing of snow appeared, Matt lowered the copter, landing above the stream. He exited the vehicle and stepped out into the snow. 


Matt's body began to shake as he walked, yet he kept on. By that old wooden fence, he had placed a stone to mark Peter's grave. Slowly, he approached until his hands rested upon the cold stone. As the tears began to fall afresh, Matt fumbled through his pockets. He pulled out his dog tags and slung them over Peter's grave. 


I'm sorry, brother. I tried


The wind whistled past the river, picking up snow in its wake. Matt removed his shoes, setting them next to the stone slab. Next, he removed his socks, followed by his pants, underwear, coat, and shirt. He stared out at the frozen wasteland and bristled. Matt crunched through the snow as the wind stung his naked body. Yet, he trudged on, past the pines towards the frozen tundra. After walking for awhile, Matt lay down in the snow, face towards the sky, his body feeling ever warmer as the world turned from white to gray to black. 


Silent Night

 Red lights blare like neon behind a bar. Warning bleeps drown out the crooning of Nat King Cole. Panicked dispatches come from my captain. Snow and trees come closer and closer....


Pain. Along my left side. Hurt. Bleeding down my face. Agony. Across my chest. 


The snow looks soft and cool. I want to lay down in it. It’s just out of reach, beyond the crumpled helicopter frame. 


“Corporal? Corporal!”


A bloody face comes into view. Captain Parker looks worried. Why? Why does he bleed? Why does he fear? This is Germany. This is an exercise. 


Pain. Down my arm. Hurt. Along my forehead. Agony. Growing in my chest. 


Damn this air is frigid. It hurts to breathe. 


“I gotcha Corporal! Hang on. I gotcha.”


Pain so unbearable my world goes black. 


I jostle and drag, propped up against my captain. Why is he bloody? Why do I hurt? 


“Gotta get you outta here,” is Captain Parker’s grunt. I always liked his voice—no one harmonizes like him. But now it sounds choked. 


I rasp something, but he shushes me. There’s the harmony. It mingles with a popping and whirring behind us. The song punctures the quiet of snow covered woods like the bone puncturing my arm. 


I whimper. 


Pain. Across that arm. Hurt. Along my forehead. Agony. Expanding in my chest. 


“Corporal I need you to stay with me.”


I spit, instead of speak. Blood dots the snow he trudges through. He stops just when I think the world will go black again. 


Looking over his shoulder he mutters about faulty engines. I see a glow of red from dials dying in a wreckage of metal. 


I cough. Blood dribbles down my cheek. 


Captain Parker turns back to me. 


“I’m here Corporal.  I’m not leaving you.”


Pain. Hurt. Agony. It’s all over. The bed of snow does not feel soft. It feels cold, like a grave. 


“Help should be, should be...”


The beautiful voice trails off. He sniffs and smears blood across his face when swiping with the back of his hand. The captain looks scared. 


I smile, and my teeth feel wet. 


“Dammit,” is the only response. He can’t really smile in return, but he’s here. So I forgive him. 


I’m cold. And the pain... it’s ebbing away. I don’t even notice my next cough till blood speckles my commanding officer’s jaw. 


My hand is taken in his. He looks as white as the snow that dusts the trees. I think he may squeeze my hand in comfort, but I feel... nothing. 


Nothing. 


Nothing. 


It’s a relief. 


“God—fuck!” Captain Parker shouts, words echoing in the silent woods. He lets go of my hand, which falls to the snow.


Then he stands, and walks away. 


I want to call after him. Why is he leaving? He promised he’d stay? He promised! 


And yet, he walks away. 


It takes a while, his shouts of rage fading to hoarse crying, before I realize. He hasn’t left me. He waits. 


But I have left him. 


It’s Christmas Eve. And I’ve left my commanding officer alone. He bleeds, but doesn’t care. He doesn’t even try the walkie strapped to his vest. 


A good man. A lonely soldier now. 


So though I’ve gone, I wait. He doesn’t notice me come close, doesn’t care that I sit beside him in the snow. And I don’t mind that. I stay.


It’s early morning before the rescue comes. They take care of the garish scene, marring the winter land further with cleanup. Captain Parker doesn’t go though. He will not move. 


He walked away but didn’t leave me. Even when he feels pain. Hurt. Agony. 


So I do what he did for me. I drag him to his feet. And I escort him to cover. He looks as dazed and confused as I must have. I pay that no mind, almost amused by his blank expression. 


He can leave me now. As I left him. He doesn’t know it, and he needs to. 


Dawn hits the snow landscape that passes out the window. It creates a diamond sheen on the mural of German countryside. The light shines in, onto Captain Parker’s bruised face. 


I take his hand in mine. I squeeze it hard. 


“You can leave now.” 


His eyes meet mine, and I smile. It takes a moment, but he relents. A nod is given. 


There’s music playing on the stereo. Silent Night. My final salute is given to the sound of Parker’s own accompanying harmony.

Weekly Expression 3.2 - JK

  

            Bastian’s mouth went dry as he entered the lab. Most of the lights were off but he followed the soft glow into the center of the room where Elenor still sat. Her glasses reflected her work on the computer screen. Her brown hair half up in a bun, the rest dangling on the sides of her face. She was concentrating and hadn’t noticed his approach. “Little late to be staring at a screen.”

            She jumped but only slightly. A smile creased her lips as she swung the swivel chair towards him as he leaned against the dividing wall. “Little late to be bothering me in the lab.”

            He pouted but only for show. “It didn’t seem to bother you last night.” Her cheeks flushed red and he snickered. “Don’t worry...Your secret is safe with me. Wouldn’t want the others to know you let some french officer steal a couple kisses.” He winked and she smacked his arm as she turned back to her screen. 

            “Perhaps but tonight you are bothering me. Unless you would like me to not be prepared for your mission in the morning…”

            He threw his hands up in surrender. “Please, by all means, continue.”

            “That’s what I thought.”

            Her eyes shifted back to him for a second. He couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride that he had won her gaze. “Lukas doesn’t seem worried. It’s an easy grab and go, in and out deal.”

            “You know how I worry.”

            He stepped forward and pulled her chair away and turned her to face him. He tucked a strand of her dark amber hair behind her ear. He felt lost in her emerald eyes. His thumb caressed her cheek and she placed her hand over his. Her touch was soft and gentle, a foreign feeling in this world of evil and chaos. “You don’t need to worry about me. You’ll see. Tomorrow will be a good day and when we return we will have some good news for us all.”

            “I hope so.”

“Trust me.”

            “I do.”

            He kissed her forehead and pulled her into his arms. It felt right, having her here in his arms. Things hadn’t felt right for a long time before he met her. Of course he would return. How could he not when she was here waiting for him?

 

            ~

 

            Bastian pulled the assault rifle closer to his chest as they flew through the air. He rehearsed the plan over in his mind a million times during the night and as his crew got ready. Thompson would set the helicopter down in the clearing outside the compound. He and Sullivan would stay and be their eyes outside. Bastian, Lukas, and Mel would head inside the compound, retrieve the vials and discs that Elanor would guide them to via the headsets, and head home. 

            “We are nearing the compound. T minus 2 minutes.” Thompson’s words rang through the headset and all the men nodded as they readied themselves for whatever assault may be waiting for them. They had no intel on what awaited them outside the compound or within its walls. It had sat empty for the better part of seven years since the first wave of terror had ignited the fire that still burned all over the world. He zipped up his coat all the way to his neck to fight the biting cold. How he wished for an actual fire to warm things up again. This winter was lasting longer than most. He missed the sun.

            The chopper jolted and instantly Bastian knew something was going wrong. Before any of them could speak he felt them plummeting to the ground. The chopper spun in circles and he could just barely make out smoke from somewhere around them. The men held on tightly as they descended in spirals to the forest below.

            Bastian looked at his men who were bracing for a crash landing. He watched helplessly as Mel was sucked out the side of the chopper. It was the last thing he saw before they made contact with the ground below.

 

~

 

            Bastian opened his eyes. His head was pounding and he could feel the blood dripping down the side of his head. Lukas was half hanging out the side of the chopper. Bastian couldn’t tell if he was alive or dead. He pulled out his knife and cut off his seat belt, thankful it had stayed intact. He swung his rifle across his back, thankful again that this too was still attached to him. There was no way he was walking to the compound without any weapons. He pulled himself up and looked up front to see Thompson laying across the two seats, definitely dead. He turned his attention to Lukas who was groaning as he came to. Bastian cut him free but didn’t grab before he toppled out of the chopper into the snow. 

            Lukas cried out as he grasped his leg. “Legs banged up.” He gritted through his teeth.

“I can’t check it out here. We gotta make our way to the compound.”

“I can't walk.”

“You have to. I’ll help you.”  He returned to the chopper and grabbed the two guns that had managed to stay inside and then helped Lukas to his feet. He pulled Lukas’ arm around his shoulders. “Which way to the compound?”

Lukas pulled out his compass and looked around. “There’s a river north of the compound. If we find that it will make finding the compound easier.”

They set off at a slow pace. Bastian’s heart was racing as they headed north. They were vulnerable as they walked. Injured, alone, and without backup was no place to be when deaders could be near. He kept his eyes and ears vigilant and sighed with relief as they found the river. They turned right and followed it for about a mile and finally reached the compound.

The gated compound sat on ten square miles worth of land in the Colorado mountains. Seven buildings were tucked into the trees. It was the perfect place for the scientific research lap to operate. More so it was the perfect place to hide their deadly secrets. Who would have guessed that something so evil was created in such a peaceful place? Had they known what their drug would do, surely they would have stopped it. 

The front gate was open, no doubt from some poor fool’s previous attempt to break in and hope to find the cure.

And now he was the poor fool who was dragging another poor fool into certain death. Or maybe they would get lucky and they would be alone here. But the place reeked of death and he knew his hopes were futile. They weren’t alone. It was just a matter of where and when they’d run into company.

“Lukas, I’m going to help you get up this guard tower. You set up your sniper rifle.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to go open the door to the main building and draw out any deaders that might be in there. You drop them where they stand. I’ll then go inside and get what we need.”

Lukas nodded and Bastian helped him up to the guard tower. Once he was settled, Bastian headed back down and across the compound's front lawn. He stopped outside the front door and turned back to Lukas who gave him a thumbs up. He took a deep breath and pulled open the door. It creaked as it opened, probably hadn’t been used in years. He stilled his breathing as he listened for any signs of movement in the dark hallway. 

“Come on, buggers. I know you’re there…”

A floorboard creaked somewhere in the darkness and Bastian took that as his sign to retreat as quickly as he could. He slid to a stop and turned back around as he aimed his gun towards the entrance. 

Still nothing showed itself.

“COME ON! OUT WITH YOU FREAKY LITTLE DEVILS!” Still only the sound of his own breathing reached his ears. 

He heard the moan from behind him and jumped as Lukas’ shot echoed in the little valley. He spun around and watched the deader fall to the ground. Lukas dropped a second that was emerging from the little shack behind Bastian. 

Another eerily sound caused him to jump. He felt only a wisp across his shoulder before he leapt forward and slipped on the snow, falling to the ground. He turned to his back as the deader approached him. Lukas saved him again as he shot this one and turned his attention back to more coming out of the main building. Bastian composed himself, never getting used to the sight of a deader. He aimed and within a few minutes he and Lukas had dropped at least fifteen deaders. 

Minutes passed and nothing stirred in the compound. Bastian stood to his feet, his eyes glued to the deader that had almost taken him. They moved slow but quietly until their taste for flesh caused a guttural moan to arise from their stomachs that were like ravenous wolves. He took the butt of his rifle and nudged the corpse.

Bastian stared into the eyes of the monster, the fear that haunted him for years returned. It was something he tried not to think about but when the world revolved around a single horror, it was hard to escape the fears. But he looked into those eyes and saw his own reflected in them. How quickly could it all change...and how close it had come today. It took not five minutes for the virus, once infected in its host, to race through the body to the brain and flip every switch for the moralities of man and turn a human into a ravenous killing machine. 

The video games he played as a child called them zombies. Now they called them deaders. 

He shook himself from his thoughts and waved to Lukas. He would be heading inside now. He hoped there would be no more surprises as he made his way through the facility. 

The hallways were mostly straightforward and from Elenor’s preparation, he found his way to the lab quickly. He pulled out his headset and set the frequency on his radio to their channel. 

“This is Freedom Search calling home base. Y'all listening?”

“It’s good to hear your voice, Bastian.” he could hear the quiver in her words and knew she had been worried.

“Sorry, we had an issue with the chopper and made a crash landing. Thompson and Mel are gone.”

“Damn...” He heard her sigh. She didn’t swear often unlike most of the men on their base.

“I found the lab, El.”

“Alright..tell me what you see.”

“A bunch of tables and cabinets.”

“Open one of the cabinets. What’s inside?”

He pulled open the rusty door. “Papers. Equipment. No vials.”

“Keep looking. I’m not really sure what the vials look like.”

He made his way one by one to each of the cabinets. Finally he opened one to reveal a treasure trove of vials. “Found them.”

“How many are there?” 

“Fifty a hundred. Too many to carry.”

“Are they labeled?”

“No.”

He heard her curse again. “I knew I should have come.”

“You might have died. Calm down. I’ll look around and see if I can find anything.”

“Okay, listen look for anything with…”

Her words cut short and static buzzed through the headset. 

“El? Elenor?” 

He grunted and pulled the headset off and let it fall to the floor. He scanned the cabinets for any clues to what they were looking for.

“It’s a needle in a haystack.”

Bastian spun around and aimed his gun up at the intruder. 

The man raised his hands. He looked like ex military. “I’m a friend. At least I wish to be. You and your buddy beat us to the punch.”

“What did you do to Lukas?”

“Other than having our medic take a look at his leg,nothing. Why don’t you put the gun down so we can talk.”

“Can’t talk. I’m busy.”

“Looking for the cure...I know.”

“Who are you?”

“Name is Brentley. I was an officer in the army before all this.” He picked up a pile of dusty papers on a nearby desk, inspected them for only a second before replacing them. He looked back up at Bastian. “I’m in a new brigade now. I take my orders from General Trumm.”

“Trumm isn’t exactly buddies with who I take my orders from and my orders are to find the cure and bring it back to our lab.”

“I’m well aware of Trumm’s less than peaceful negotiations with other brigades in the area. But that doesn’t have to stop you and I from talking.”

“I’m not sure what all there is to talk about. We NEED a cure.”

“We don’t need the cure, friend. We need a new start.”

“We can have that when we free those enslaved by this sickness.”

“You and I both know it isn’t just a sickness that has stolen their minds.”

Bastian wasn’t buying it and Brentley could tell.

“Can I show you something….eh?”

“Bastian.”

“Bastian, let me show you something. Please?”

Bastian reluctantly nodded and followed Brentley back outside. Brentley’s men had put the bodies of the deaders in a row. Bastian nodded towards Lukas who sat against the guard tower.

Brently stopped in front of the row of bodies. “I lost my wife and son in that first wave. Their loss has tormented me for years. I’d give anything to have them back in my arms one last time.”

Bastain sighed. His own story wasn’t too far from Brentleys but then again, you wouldn’t meet a single person alive who hadn’t lost it all. 

“That’s why we need the cure, Brentley. What if they can be saved? Shouldn’t we stop at nothing to bring the ones we love back?”

“Would you want to come back from this?”

Bastian was taken aback. He stood silent as he watched Brentley.

“You’ve seen first hand the dead evil in the eyes of these lifeless corpses. I don’t think there is a way back. But even if there was.I know I wouldn’t want to return after that. God knows what that would do to a person. To be haunted by a nightmare you can't escape...because that nightmare is you.”

He had a point, something Bastian and the others never considered. They were fueled by their own survivors guilt and selfish need to restore what was lost. Never once considering the peace of those still plagued by this living death.

“Bastian, we came to destroy this compound. To remove any chance of finding a cure for them. I know it sounds as if we are the villains but we are protecting those lost to this madness. Our efforts should be focusing on putting them out of their living hell. Wiping the slate clean so that we can all start over and make a new life out of what’s left.”

“What you are asking me to do is to go against everything I’ve been working towards...to disobey direct orders.”

“I’m asking you to do what’s right.”

“Give me a minute.”

He left Brentley and knelt by Lukas. “You okay?”

“Don’t think it’s broken just banged up.” Lukas sighed as he looked down. “They want to destroy it all.”

“I know.”

“And you know what? I want them to.”

Bastian didn’t answer, his own heart wanted to agree.

“I lost my parents. God, I miss them. I can still smell the cookies my mom would bake every sunday after church. I’d give anything to have one more Sunday with them. But I wouldn’t want my mother back after she’d just chewed out some guy’s neck...ya know?”

“Yeah, Lukas, I know. They are right.”

“Besides, there’s like twenty of them and two of us. We don’t have much of a fighting chance.” 

Bastian stifled a laugh. “You got a point there too.” He stood and nodded toward Brentley who approached them. “We won’t stop you.”

“I appreciate it. We’ll give you a lift back to your base or wherever you want us to drop you off at.”

“Thanks.” 

Brentley left them and they watched as his men brought explosives into the facility. Within minutes they were running out. “Gentlemen, I suggest we retreat outside the gate.” Brentley ushered them out past the gate where they all stood and watched. One of the men handed Brentey a detonator. He turned to Bastian who gave a nod. Not that Brentley needed the permission but he wanted him to know they were on the same page.

With that, Brentley pressed the button and instantly the facilities around the compound went up in glass shattering flames. 

Bastian sighed. Elenor would never forgive him for this.

Saturday, December 12, 2020

Weekly Expressions 3.1: The Mother

 


 

The Mother

By Joseph Risitano

 

            I was taking a study break as I do while studying, watching another increment five-minutes from the same movie. Mother always told me to “keep pressing on, even if you’re bleeding” when it came to my studies. Having worked all night for an essay due the next day, I still did not feel comfortable with my work. Mother would NOT have approved. Mother never approved. I keep telling myself I need not worry about what she thinks anymore or what she will say to me, but I am still plagued by her words. Having a severe case of Alzheimer’s disease makes life difficult to remember much, yet I will never forget Mother. Ironically, tonight has been a year since her passing, and I revel in the feeling of being alone.

Alone. Such an understatement of joy I feel for that word more often than I say. It has also been two months since I started school, and I could not be happier. And yet tonight of all nights, I sense something amiss in my world. Already I can feel her overbearing spirit haunting me, almost as if she never left. Nevertheless, this is MY time to live MY life, and I cannot let her past-self bar me from the door of opportunity. Even if I do need a couple movies to calm me down for an assignment, I will take that time to relax.

I reach for the popcorn in my bag, a “popcorn bouquet” I had purchased from the local grocery store as reward for my studying. Mother hated sweets of any kind. Though I had no idea of her reasoning, she was in fact a sour person, so of course any kind of sweetness would allude her. Damn. I did not need such thoughts running laps in my head, but the benefits of admitting my life’s trauma inwardly had its benefits. I munched some more popcorn, the screen starting to crackle as I stared at a couple in a warm embrace.

Such was the moment I began to feel a cold shiver go down my back. I passed it off as perhaps the thermostat being out of whack, but the rest of the room felt the same as it ever had. A perfectly normal apartment space. Then a second time, this time the chill going up my back and up to nape of my neck. The cold feeling became a digging finger of hurt, twisting from behind, causing me to spit out whatever popcorn was in my mouth. I jumped in fright to turn around, the light from the television screen illuminating a shadow darting to right of the room. I saw it head towards the hallway near my bathroom.

I ran out of my room in hot pursuit, seeing if I could cut in front of whatever or whoever this shadow belonged to. The shadow dodged the bathroom, instead shooting into my kitchen where a single light was on. I was not sure if I should be thankful the light was there, until the shadow began pawing it as if the figure were a cat and the light was a toy. I yelled at the shadow to stop its movement, knowing full well that I no alternative means of weaponry to use against it. The shadow stopped its pawing, the light instead turning to the wall in front of me to reveal a hazy silhouette.

My heart sunk at what I saw before me. The light dimming ever so slightly, there stood a shadow resembling the two-dimensional visage of my mother. Frayed hair, a haggard but plump face, and a looming presence that towered over my 5’5” frame, I knew it had to be her. Before I could speak anything else, the image whisked the light’s power off, leaving the room entirely black. Even stranger, the kitchen light was not the only light to go out. The sound of the television in my room now fell silent. Taking my cellphone out, I used the flashlight to make my way through the darkness.  

“You left me behind”, whispered a voice from behind me. I swiveled around to catch a glimpse, but there was nothing there except for myself and the hallway. “I only wanted the best for you”, the voice said again, though this time the voice was even closer and even clearer. It was as if the breath of someone were next to my ear when the voice spoke again. As I turned to shine my light in their direction, I now stood face-to-face with my mother! “YOU KILLED MEEEEEEE!”, now screaming into my face, my mother’s appearance clear as day. “You hated my overbearing nature, when I all wished was to give you all of my love! But you shoved my pillow into my face and suffocated me!”  

The realization at what I had done a year ago all came back to me. My mother was old, so nobody questioned her death, but she knew. She knew what I had done. I had killed my mother in her bed that night, and it felt good. “I’ve come back for you. You must accept the consequences of your actions. The Alzheimer’s may have changed your mind as to who I was to you, but I loved you.” No, she did not love me. This could not be happening. Waving my flashlight around in the air, I booked it for the door. I made it safely, and I as I turned the knob, two hands grabbed me from behind into the black. And as I started to lose consciousness, I heard a voice say, “And because I love you, I will never let you go.”

Saturday, November 21, 2020

 WE 11/18/20

M.J Coleman



Based on a true story...


November 24, 2016


Groggy. Confused. Terrified.

I struggled to open my eyes and take in my surroundings. An IV jabbed into my arm was hooked up to a beeping machine. The ticking from the analog clock on the wall echoed in the eerily quiet room.

Hospital. Dammit. 

Thoughts raced through my head like cars on a freeway as I tried to recall the events that led up to this predicament.

I had been in non-stop abdominal pain for months now and had refused to get checked out due to my extreme fear of doctors. Everything I ate came back up with a vengeance. Before all this started, I was about 160 pounds. The last time I checked, I was 112. I was weak and my body was shutting down.

A blonde-haired woman in dark blue nurse scrubs bustled in and approached the beeping machine. She pressed a few buttons and the machine went silent. She turned to me and smiled.

“My name is Sarah and I’m your nurse today. Can you tell me your name and date of birth?”

I looked at her, confused. Shouldn’t she know this already from my chart or something?

She saw my expression. “It’s just to make absolutely sure we have the right patient.”

I nodded and said weakly, “Mikala Coleman, 7/11/96.”

Sarah checked my patient wristband to confirm. “Alright, Mikala, you were admitted around 10 last night. Your mother said you were having severe abdominal pain for a while now and you collapsed. Does that sound right?”

I nodded.

“Ok, Mikala, we drew some blood and it came back with an elevated white blood cell count which means you have an infection. We’ve started you on antibiotics and want to keep you for a few days to monitor you. We’ve also put you on total parenteral nutrition to help with the loss of nutrients.”

I nodded again, my head swimming with the information.

“On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being no pain and 10 being maximum pain, how are you feeling today?”

“Um…” my thoughts tried to catch up, “10?”

“Ok, I’ve brought some pain meds for you. The doctor is starting you on dilaudid.” 

Sarah went over to the computer on the opposite wall and typed some things into it. Then she walked back over to me and produced a syringe. She hooked it up to my IV and pushed the clear liquid slowly through the tube.

My eyes drifted shut.



**********



December 22, 2016


“Wakey, wakey! Eggs and bakey!” 

The fluorescent lights flashed on and I quickly shielded my eyes from their scornful glow.

I groaned. “First, you wake me up at 4am and then you tease me with the thought of food. Shame on you.”

The nurse walked over to the computer to put in the details of my medication. “Sorry honey, but the doctor said no food, TPN only.”

I had ended up in the hospital again with the same abdominal infection, but much worse this time. They had put a tube in my buttocks to try to drain it. This was the second week I’d been here.

Amanda turned to walk towards me and held up a syringe. “But I brought you a present.” She smirked.

I dropped my arms and smiled. “You’re an angel.”

“You’re just saying that because I give you the drugs.”

“Yeah, probably.”

I recited my name and date of birth before she even had to ask.

We shared a chuckle as she pushed the dilaudid through, causing my entire body to feel like a giant weight.

“How’s that drain treating ya?”

“It’s a pain in my ass.” I smirked. “Literally.”

She laughed. “Alright, the day shift nurse will be here in a couple hours. Get some rest.”

I nodded as I let the drug take over. 



**********



April 29, 2017


The psychologist told me to relax and picture myself doing something I enjoyed. 

I closed my eyes and imagined sitting on the couch in my living room, eating popcorn and watching one of my favorite movies. Suddenly, a sharp claw-like shadow loomed over my head, ready to swallow me whole.

I sighed and opened my eyes. “How exactly is this supposed to help with my suicidal thoughts?”

Before the psychologist could answer, the surgeon came bustling in, his assistant right behind him. He walked over to the side of my bed. His face wore a grim expression and my heart sank into my stomach, creating a lump in my throat that I couldn’t swallow away.

My mother looked up at him from her chair beside my bed. Her eyebrows were furrowed in concern. 

I glanced at my mother. I had watched the worry lines in her face deepen and new ones appear over the past 4 months. She had been by my side for 2 surgeries in that time span. Every day, whatever was wrong with me got worse. Every surgery, the doctors left with more questions than before. She was growing tired. We both were.

“Look,” the surgeon hesitated, “there’s no easy way to say this. But your condition is not getting any better. We need to operate before you become septic.”

I looked at him in disbelief. “Operate? Again!?” 

My mother scoffed. “You’ve done 2 surgeries already. How is a third one going to make it any better?”

“...it may not. But if we don’t try...she won’t make it.”

An empty silence settled over the room like a heavy blanket, trying to suffocate everyone within.

My mother was the first to break it. “You told me you knew what you were doing. You promised me in the beginning-...”

The surgeon tried to cut in. “Yes, I know. Her condition-...”

“...that you had every doctor you needed on board!”

“We can’t seem to find any answers, ma’am!”

“You are in way over your head! My daughter has suffered enough!”

As they continued to argue, my eyes drifted to the analog clock on the wall.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Oh god, I thought, that clock is going to be the last thing I hear before I die... 



**********



August 1, 2017


My mother and I were mid-conversation when the foreign doctor in aqua scrubs walked in. This one was new, we had never seen him before.

“Miss and Mrs. Coleman?”

We nodded.

“My name is Dr. Tanlin. I am a gastroenterology surgeon and I have been following your case very closely. Now, we have done 3 surgeries and taken every measure to prevent sepsis. It has been a long and exhausting journey and I know you have questions. But we have finally reached a diagnosis that we think fits your situation, Mikala. We believe you have Crohn’s disease.”



**********



November 22, 2020


Update: It is now 2020 and I have had a total of 5 abdominal surgeries so far. I still struggle day to day with symptoms but for the most part, I am currently in remission. Future complications and surgeries are inevitable as Crohn’s disease is a chronic illness and there is no cure. As many things as this disease has taken from me, it has given me much more in return. I am a stronger individual with a greater appreciation for life and joy, even in the small moments. I am pursuing the career of my dreams that has awakened a passion in me that might not have otherwise been born. I am strong, I am fierce, and I am taking life one step at a time!